6. Six years old you walked me to school and that’s the last I saw of a free walking you. Who knew the clouds of grey were hidden behind that sky so blue. Fast forward 14 years and daddy I still miss you. My heart gets heavy when I see girls with their daddies and I sit here without you. Behind bars because your rights were things you never knew and mass incarceration keeps putting our men behind bars, this ain’t something new. They took you with no proof as if the next minority was due, mama told you stop hanging out with that stupid little crew. papi why couldn’t you listen? I know it’s all you knew but you’re a good man why couldn’t you just pull through ? Now your in for crimes that we know you’d never do, behind bars without proof just a “ he say, she say” stew. My daddy was a good man and my family deserved him out, blaming him for things they don’t even have proof about. But what does it matter because he’s not white ? when you’re a minority you don’t have any right.

– Daddy I miss you.

I’ll give you time, time to find yourself while I develop the pieces of me I tried so hard to get from you. How is it that I couldn’t see that the reflection of what I lacked within myself are what pushed me away from you. How selfish, to say you love someone and try to paint them to be something they are not, i’m sorry for all the pressure I put you through. I won’t keep drowning your roots in water when you’re not in a rush to grow and neither will I strip myself of my leaves to meet your naked roots, instead we could continue to blossom together. I’ll let it simply rain on us, since its clear we both have some growing to do. And I hope that in the end it will still be me and you. See my love for you is unconditional, through short stems and naked roots. I’ll be there, we’ll make it through the seasons because that’s what strong plants do. I’ll have something to look forward to knowing not just that it ends in a stronger me but it will also end with me & you. – my headache and my treatment, this one’s for you.

I was never scared of taking a risk for you. I let you light the matches of my soul forgetting that my fire might be too intense for someone who has always lived in the cold. I tried so hard to warm you up but with every step closer to you, you seemed to burn. You sparked my flames but couldn’t resist them…why would you do that? & there you left me…to burn out, without you I had lost my reason to burn bright. Can’t believe you expected to play with fire and not get burned. In the end, I was the only one left in ashes.

“Mira y ese pajon ?”

Proceeding with the lines “ hazme el favor y coje pal salon”

But who told you that I want to straighten my hair

Ma you don’t see that straightening my hair is erasing the history,

and giving them the right to continue to be unfair.

The kinks in my curls, the patterns and swirls

All represent and uphold moments in history even if I wasn’t there

The Mirabal sisters who fought for feminism and got killed in despair

How dare you tell me to straighten my hair?

You tell me I walk around looking like I don’t care

When the rizos on my head are the biggest representation of todo lo que pasamos

Que en los Haitianos confiamos, en los Espanoles tambien

En la visualización eurocéntrica nos asimilamos

To straighten my hair is to let them win again,

Why are we repeating the same things now that happened back then ?

You see to straighten my hair is to reject who I am

To succumb to their views,

Its to let Trujillo buy me and God i’d be damned

It’s to say that I am unsure

That I am not proud in my skin

It’s to let all of those who rejected me for who I am in.

So ma don’t you ever tell me to go do my hair

Cause with every time you ask me

You remove a breath of air from those who fought for these locks

And you’re just turning back the clocks

Who cares if the vecina talks ?

I won’t go to the hair salon

So they could put that white creme on my strands

Unlock me from the hands

Of those ancestors who held on to me before they knew me

Why would I let go?

I won’t straighten my hair

Because these curls are a sign of proclamation

This pajon is sign of reclamation

It shows the desperation

That was faced in my nation

It is choosing to be me

No matter how much people stare.

So don’t you ever dare to ask me to straighten my hair.

They tell us to stay away from weed, cocaine and more but no one tells us about the drug that caresses your hips and kisses your lips. The one that’ll have you crying late nights on the bathroom floor. The one who’s words eases the pain, the one who’s touch helps you stay sane. I’ll admit I am addicted. How can someone’s lips and simple brown eyes be the gateway to addiction? Where’s the rehab program for that? Because from you I need some restriction. Stepping into cloud 9 every time I wake up next to you, your that pill that I know I shouldn’t pop but your gaze just doesn’t let me stop. Getting anxious when I don’t see you for a while, you know how hard it is to have my phone in my hand and not dial ? Wishing I had a dose of you everyday, but you’re no good for me…so I fight to stay away even through the euphoria you give me which makes me want to stay. My gateway drug. Baby,mama should of told me how intoxicating a person could be…now i’m addicted, overdosed on you and who’s here to save me ?

Crazy how the one you want to give all your love to is the one who teaches you everything you never want from love. You taught me that early morning kisses and pillow talk could mean everything and nothing at all. That those soft kisses on my forehead weren’t about me but about you, you’d do any little cute thing to keep me coming through. That those talks we had about coming back to one another when were twenty four, were just another part of the lies that you had picked up out your drawer. That you don’t really care that I left and wont come back cause to you this wasn’t much…even if it makes part of my world go black. That all those times you looked into my eyes and told me that you do care, to you it wasn’t anything but another simple stare. That I built a house on my own and you tore it apart, that even though it hurts sometimes the one you think you’re meant to be with has to be digged out of your heart.

It’s been hard to write lately because I have been feeling everything and nothing at all, trying to figure out how to walk after you let me fall. Kind of in a state of confusion, never really thought I was scared of change until I saw the change in the way you looked at me, the change in your touch, the change in the way we slept together, the change in the little things that meant so much. Baby are we tired or is this all my delusion? Just want to find a solution….what’s happening? Thought we had it all under control but suddenly we feel so isolated, feels like our love has faded, feels like the vibe is jaded. Doesn’t feel like we weathered this storm together, guess we couldn’t make it through whatever. The winds and bad times made us more separate than ever. Funny cause I thought falling apart would make us realize how much we needed to fall back together, instead it left me feeling like there’s no such thing as forever. How is it that even when you hold me close things feel empty and I miss you more than ever ?

They say that the last person you think of before you go to sleep is the person who makes your heart complete.

but what happens when this is the same person that makes my mind and heart compete ?

I don’t think i’m stuck on you, i’m stuck on the idea of what could have been. The idea of me and you, the conversations we had on your bed about the future and us two. My beautiful storm, my dark skies painted blue…if only we would have tried a little harder. If only you would have tried. Don’t you ever wonder what we could have been? What do I do with all the plans I had for you ? But maybe this is what was meant to be, maybe this was as good as we got. You were meant to be no more than just my beautiful storm,my dark skies painted blue and I can no longer hold on to you.